uhm
What would we be if we never changed? and then again is it me that is changing or everything around me? in so many ways i feel like i'm the same person i've always been. i mean the voice in my head speaks endlessly, and i think most of the time its just trying to make sense of life--the voice hasnt changed since birth. but because we're forced to move on in so many ways, so many times, it just seems that we have changed. it just seems that things will 'never be the same again'
the point is, the only reason i know i am me outside of what is inside my brain, i mean the me that other people see, is that there are some who bring it out. there are relationships that never change. and there there are those that do. but for the ones that always feel right, like i've never left this place in years, the people who make the voice shut up for a moment and let me react...i mean without those relationships i would be nothing.
saying goodbye sucks. kaitlin (hello) just said goodbye, and i know that just wasnt enough. because the second i walked through the door i cried. goodbye never seems like enough when you dont know what's coming next. and there's no point in waiting, or hoping and dreaming for what's next because you just don't know. but i cant deal with the fact that i might have to change. i dont want to change. i'm still the person i was when i was nine, and she knows that. i'm still the person i was when i was fourteen, rebs knows that. but who the hell will i be when i'm twenty five and there's no common place? is the common place inside of us? i hope so you know, because the surroundings will change..drastically.
the best thought that ever came to me is that we never die. and i believe that. i feel as though my conscience has lasted through centuries, and sure the surroundings have changed, the people have changed, but the voice has not. so the fact that i can say what i think to a select few people in the world, and not to anyone else, makes it seem like there must be something more to relationships than just comfort. goodbye never feels right because there is no such thing as goodbyes. only, i'll see you in another lifetime, or in my dreams, or in my memory.
it's hard to write what you think.
all these philosophers say thought isnt important..its just a distraction. well sure it's just a distraction, but there is no way to find the real core without thinking about how to reach it. they say that feelings arent real, but feelings are what make us live. science is fuckin fine and all but science isnt life. emotions are life...and change just surrounds every emotion. change distracts us, but the voice is always the same.
i want to write honestly, i want to write like i think, but it's too hard to get everything out when i've been thinkign about things for centuries.
what really motivated me to say all this is that i'm gonna fucking miss people who i can actually talk to. i mean of course we never say all these things to each other, but i think i'm aware what is there and what is not. saying you know someone doesn't mean you know every thought in their head, but you know your relationship to them. you know that they nor you have really changed. and you know no matter what happens you will never forget them. never.
so goodbye.