jenny

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 00:38:33 GMT

a pattern is starting to form here ---a pattern of thought thought being where i am right now and now and now keeps going keeps flowing on until one day i'll reach the surface and the truth will come bubbling over frothy sweet finality . does something like that even exist? why do we always write about depression exhaustion exhausting ourselevs through words and holding relics of our breif soon-to-be-forgotten anguish . all the moments of beauty and intense happiness that surpass all thought that cannot be explained through words have already escaped somewhere out my head and into the sky . and we keep reaping and rebuilding as though the world will never end . the same patterns the same feelings the same thoughts abandoned and reused . so what i need to do is quit documenting the negative because those feelings are always going to be settled somewhere churning fervently at the bottom of my stomach . what i need to do is give voice to the glorious, to the feelings of "this will never end" . the kind of feeling you i we get standing in a huge crowd next to someone you love while your most worshipped musician in the world reaches that certain picnnacle of sound where it feels like the sky is about to crack open and your smile will fall off your face and your arms tremble trying not to touch everyone around you trying not to wrap your arms around the one person who's eyes do as much for you as that entire moment . now that is worth recording . to me.
so humanity, please do me a favor and quit your incessent whining. cause sometimes i find that it's stuck in my head...

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 00:13:51 GMT

There comes a time when a person has to question their everything...
I suddenly realized how far i am from everything i once called home. and when everything new falls apart, when the things that are supposed to be most cherished start dulling numbing fading away..i need my roots more than ever. i'm longing a comfort that only the arms that bore me into this world can give, and the arms of every corner of my old home and all the faces that once were so familiar... this isnt about fear of change. there is no fear here, only the urge to hold on to everything in my past.
but what am i saying? its the past that dulls the new, its the past that creates death in living. so why am i so stuck? the whole world is stuck in the past, everything is built around what was instead of what could be...
what could be? if i just let go of this old pattern...i'm a hypocrite for saying i want to hold on to people when i'm constantly thinking of letting go of what i have right now...
but theres a monotony creeping in here and rotting away something that should be beautifully spontaneous.
i want to be my own person (and keep my own person forever and ever amen). i want to be able to look at my past as journey to where i stand this very moment, and i want this very moment to be what matters. is that so much to ask? (and who am even asking?)

Wed, 07 Jul 2004 19:46:55 GMT

I never realized how good it feels to be alone.
i have disregarded time therefore
i'm feeling pretty free. i can't imagine having to go back to schedules.
i've finally found myself here beneath loads of crap that had been weighing me down for years. i didn't even have to think myself away from it all.
it just disappeared.
i've melted away somewhere into this season of not knowing what's next.

Thu, 01 Jul 2004 16:09:32 GMT

i don't want to be a damn criminal to get inside his head. i want to hear his words spill out like theyre made for my ears. i want to hear our voices bounding off walls and our silences mixing in with the air like we are a part of everything, like we are a part of each other. i want this like i want to know what death is like. and he is only human. what does this to me? is it the eyes? the way they flash at me like an electric current passing through my body...? theyre only eyes, we all have them. why his? is my own personal god trapped inside those sockets? or am i completely and hopelessly deranged? i ask to many questions. but all i want in life is to ask more, with no answers, only speculations. i want him to return my questions with his own questions. and maybe one day i'll see the light that is love. i've seen love out there. in nature. in myself. but have i ever truly seen it in another human being? i mean not the kind of love that is attachment, that is fullfilling each other. the kind of love that i was born with, the kind i do not seek but just comes in flashing brilliance. my problem is i'm stuck in this seeking. i'm stuck waiting and wondering. i dont want to pry open anyone's mind. i just want someone to show me. i want him to show me.

uhm

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 05:51:46 GMT

What would we be if we never changed? and then again is it me that is changing or everything around me? in so many ways i feel like i'm the same person i've always been. i mean the voice in my head speaks endlessly, and i think most of the time its just trying to make sense of life--the voice hasnt changed since birth. but because we're forced to move on in so many ways, so many times, it just seems that we have changed. it just seems that things will 'never be the same again'
the point is, the only reason i know i am me outside of what is inside my brain, i mean the me that other people see, is that there are some who bring it out. there are relationships that never change. and there there are those that do. but for the ones that always feel right, like i've never left this place in years, the people who make the voice shut up for a moment and let me react...i mean without those relationships i would be nothing.
saying goodbye sucks. kaitlin (hello) just said goodbye, and i know that just wasnt enough. because the second i walked through the door i cried. goodbye never seems like enough when you dont know what's coming next. and there's no point in waiting, or hoping and dreaming for what's next because you just don't know. but i cant deal with the fact that i might have to change. i dont want to change. i'm still the person i was when i was nine, and she knows that. i'm still the person i was when i was fourteen, rebs knows that. but who the hell will i be when i'm twenty five and there's no common place? is the common place inside of us? i hope so you know, because the surroundings will change..drastically.
the best thought that ever came to me is that we never die. and i believe that. i feel as though my conscience has lasted through centuries, and sure the surroundings have changed, the people have changed, but the voice has not. so the fact that i can say what i think to a select few people in the world, and not to anyone else, makes it seem like there must be something more to relationships than just comfort. goodbye never feels right because there is no such thing as goodbyes. only, i'll see you in another lifetime, or in my dreams, or in my memory.
it's hard to write what you think.
all these philosophers say thought isnt important..its just a distraction. well sure it's just a distraction, but there is no way to find the real core without thinking about how to reach it. they say that feelings arent real, but feelings are what make us live. science is fuckin fine and all but science isnt life. emotions are life...and change just surrounds every emotion. change distracts us, but the voice is always the same.
i want to write honestly, i want to write like i think, but it's too hard to get everything out when i've been thinkign about things for centuries.
what really motivated me to say all this is that i'm gonna fucking miss people who i can actually talk to. i mean of course we never say all these things to each other, but i think i'm aware what is there and what is not. saying you know someone doesn't mean you know every thought in their head, but you know your relationship to them. you know that they nor you have really changed. and you know no matter what happens you will never forget them. never.
so goodbye.

march 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:46:03 GMT

who is to say the water reflects life?
perhaps the reflection is the only present tense
and the ancient trees that waver above
have long ago died
as i have every time my present
passed me by
i think the reason the human race is always in motion
is because we are always trying to keep up with our belief
that we are headed somewhere.
that our past is reality and
the future is where we are going
maybe we are just here.
i see it when i am still
when time is foresaken
and i have nowhere to go
i disappear...

april 19th 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:42:19 GMT

there are moments
of such intense feeling
i know i have been here before
these moments
are what we search for in life
they are our only true future--
finding what we have loved
and lost

april 19th 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:41:13 GMT

there is something
behind everything
there is a spot in the sky
where the clouds part
and the sun leaks through
i see god
as in seeing myself
as though this world
is not enough
and i know there is something
deeper
then sight can tell me
or a slit in the sky can explain
something so deep
that it disappears as soon as i begin
to ponder and
wander
upon its edges...
the clouds merge into one
infinate stretch
of grey

sometimes in winter 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:39:13 GMT

memory cannot hold
an endless train of thought
i know i've been through lifetimes
this old mind has been pulling threads
through thick skin and thin blood
eyes that still squint to see past
a tired reflection
what we cannot hold
we write
what we cannot commit to memory
we scrall on blank sheets
why does everything pure
have to be filled ?
filled with thoughts
filled with voices
a barren landscape
soon becomes a new way to scream
we erect skyscrapers
of dying voices
that have spoken their masters
into oblivion
and we hold a golden finger to the sky
begging
for someone to take away our regrets
we say we know oursleves
yet we cannot allow
every person to be
their own god.

fall 2003

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:23:32 GMT

i've erased layers of words
because nothing should be forced
i said there was beauty
in plastic
but erased it
because synthetics seem so harsh
yet everything is from the earth in some way
everything is contrived from something
from somebody
with early mind

january 9 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:20:03 GMT

even as i sit here
waiting
for the phone to ring
waiting
for your voice and
hoping to decipher its tone
to see if it matches up to mine...
i am fulfilled in this empty space between
not knowing
and knowledge
for i have come to terms with my self-
indulgences
with my inclination to seek what i want and to ignore what will never be there

i am insecure when posed with the question
of truth and trust
but when i search myself i know
they are fashioned there
beating along with my heart
in slow and sporadic time
that is not time at all...

when i told you i have no "thing"
no particular inspiration
that keeps me suspended through a lifetime,
i unknowlingly told a lie
(and i never lie)
what keeps me going is my own mind
and everything it enocmpasses and names
as part of my world
my godliness.

lonliness
is the most depressing of thoughts
yet beinbg alone
is when i fully thrive
and think of the world as my own
creation

january 9th 2004

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:14:44 GMT

(sidenote: at the moment i can't find anything earlier than this, but i know i havent lost it yet, so i'll keep looking)

losing myself
was the easiest accomplishment
so many distractions
at every corner of the room
my mind cluttered
with doubt, haphhazard regrets
thinking, over and over
in the way a clock thinks
of seconds:
have i done this right?am i going in the appropriate direction?is anything appropriate anymore?
and are not lines endless?
so i have decided
the only way to go
is to follow spontaneous thoughts
follow them until i feel
i'm at the verge of falling off
the earth
follow them until i fall
to my knees in desperation
and even then
gravity holds me here
and my hands have a way of pulling up
even the most exhausted body
and peicing together
the thoughts
i have scattered across the cement

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:05:23 GMT

i'm back.
in a way...
i really don't feel like writing about my day. sorry.
i'm gonna put up some poems...partly because i want you to read them. partly because i tend to lose the scraps of paper that they're on.
i don't think i'm anything great, so if you want to laugh at what i write go ahead.
it's just some things are hard to describe in complete and literal sentences, so poetry works out for me.
i dont think anyone's gonna read this except kerri though am i right?
HI KERRI!!!!!!!!!!!!
hope you like this shit.

written 8/2/03

Sun, 03 Aug 2003 14:41:21 GMT

i found my past lingering
in open fields
drifting through valleys unaltered by time
preserved by mind
mountains may corrode
and memories may fade
yet when the two collide nothing has changed...
on the surface.
yes on the surface all things linger
on the surface time is a measure
and death is a vacancy
of life...
yet beneath the past present and longings of future
there is only the mind--
undeveloped; premature
a delicate dancer
on the verge of drowning in rythem...
and now we have built the world so that every mind is submerged
distracted with noise
disconnected by four walls and rain on the windsheild
disillusioned by those who think power comes through thinking alike
NO!
stop the endless clutter
let my past be more than what my senses relive in memory
let me be more than the world through a screen
let me be more than an educated mind, a brainwashed mind, a simple mind
more than halfhearted protests against a world that somewhere deep down inside
I love.
let me embrace my past through the endless depth of sky above
let me feel the rythems beneath the surface of all things
i ask this
not of Him
a floating mirage high in the sky
not of her
a lonely girl lost in the mirror

i ask this of myself
me. a nameless mind.

inspired to write for once, cause these thoughts will keep coming and going

Tue, 13 May 2003 15:18:11 GMT

Maybe it's this mood I'm in--I feel receptive to anything.
My past is lying at my feet and I'm sifting through it to find that I'm twisted and torn, but so in love with life, and so in love with memories and faces of friends.
And i read someone's writing. I thought she was too stubborn at times, or too angry...until now.
She opened her mind to the world, and the world shouted back in telepathic signals. It spoke to her like it speaks to me (though perhaps in different ways) and I see that everywhere i set my eyes is everything that has created my life.
And as i sift and rummage through the garbage at myt feet, i find what i cherish.
Maybe it is all in my mind, and the big picture tells me it will all be over before i remember to remind myself that time is a measure not a meaning. But for this life, this small speck of what i think is an infinate existence of change, ever constant change, there is love.
And maybe that is what the world has told us, or tries to...
In that there is something worth fighting for, and i see why she fights. But my contentedness with simplicity of this life, and my realization of the big, big, humongously overwhelming picture--
that everything is ephemeral, that i am a grain of sand on the ocean floor, an ant hill in Africa, a fucking miniscule molecule floating and floating and floating and evolving;
this realization that death is only change, and love is only change, and memories are what linger when i take the time to embrace what i have become--
Well this tells me that anger not necessary, and there is no harm in keeping quiet (though the fight is noble)
because even though society seems to hurts and detroy more than it cherishes...
it is all a part of existence, and something tells me there will be endless tomorrows of change that will replenish what the world has lost.
And also a speck of microcosmic tomorrows (that seem like a whole lot to me) to experience what i love.

man time goes by, old lj style

Tue, 04 Jun 2002 01:16:31 GMT

well i wrote a poem. It has been so long since i've put anything down on paper (anything worthwhile anyway)...and it has been even longer since i've put live journal to use...so i thought, why not put the two together? Enjoy. xo

I thought your palms would weaken me
undressed flesh against open hand
that clasps its very equal
as captured prey (fingers kept entwined)
But I find that
human connection
gives me strength,
and human strength
gives me hope...
we share every breath with life
and shed every emotion with passion
we keep our thoughts overflowing
and voices hoarse from self-expression
we hold our heads high
and bellies bulging
we laugh in the face of order
and love in the breast of beauty (hearts pounding in unison)
The world halts for a moment
while my head spins on its axis,
as the earth serves the sun,
and the glory of each breath
takes root to a womb
and every woman who holds
generations of life
in her own body
can speak with her heart
in her palm, saying,
'only love can hold our hands.'

hello

my first

Thu, 11 Oct 2001 00:33:22 GMT

so yeah its my first entry...and i wish i could say something interesting, but frankly i've just been sitting here staring at a computer screen trying to set this shit up.
wait, what am i talking about?? i have so much to say.
anyway, today we had mobius, hooray! and i got a poem in, and no one ripped on it this time, hehe. mobius is the one thing i look forward to all week. i guess because it lessens the usual monotony of my day. everyday is the same shitty routine...and i'm so tired of it. i can't complain tho, there's nothing wrong with the way things are going...but recenlty i've been completely drained of motivation. it's ok tho, i'm just a lazy person i guess. haha
for some strange reason, i've been really content lately. i'm usually miserable and lonely all the time...well except on memorial park nights b/c those are the best!...but i guess starting sunday i've had this unusually bright outlook. i think this good mood was brought on by my experience in new york sunday. i went by myself to take photos, and i had the greatest time i've ever had in the city. i went to washington square and just watched people. looking through the lense of a camera, i could really see people as they are. it's like i could almost read their emotions, and everyone just seemed really happy. It made me realize that even though there are so many imperfections in our world, just having a chance to live life is beyond amazing. i know there will always be things that will stand in the way of fulfillment, but then those things are superficial compared to the fulfillment that comes with simply being able to live life to its fullest. and that's the thing that people have to realize...there is so much beuaty and promise in our world, we should take advantage of it, rather than focus on how to make ourselves look good to others or such nonsense. oh wow, i could go on and on about this b/c i have so much to say, but i'll spare my readers. i'm sure this topic will come up another time and u can here even more of my rants, hehe. ok its time to end this way-to-long entry.
byebye